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6 Tips for Talking Supportively About Miscarriage
Written by Monica Starkman, M.D., U-M psychiatry professor emeritus
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The End of Miracles experiences a false pregnancy after the sorrow of years of infertility and a late-term miscarriage.
With such intense and difficult feelings involved, what can be said and done to support friends or loved ones who have miscarried? Here are 6 pointers.
Acknowledge the loss
The simple act of acknowledging that miscarriage is indeed a painful loss can be tremendously supportive. Often, less is more. Simply saying: "I"ve heard, and I"m sorry for your loss' shows you understand that the person is grieving and are willing to engage with her on that level.
Show compassion and support
It's not as important to find the "right thing to say" - and there isn"t necessarily one right thing - as it is to convey compassion and support. This can be done by giving your friend a hug, for example. Leave space for her to respond.
Listen
Asking, "Would you like to talk about it?" demonstrates that you"re willing to listen- and this fact is in itself a source of support. However, it's not helpful to pressure your friend to talk. Instead, if she doesn"t say much in response, you can indicate understanding by saying, "I"m always ready to listen whenever you"d like to talk about it."
Let her lead the conversation
If your friend has indicated she's open to talking, this is not a carte blanche to dive with comments you assume might be helpful. Rather, let her steer the conversation where she needs it to go. Then, often, a simple acknowledgment of the feelings she's expressing, such as: "I can understand why you feel so devastated" is best. Feeling heard and understood is priceless.
Keep the success stories to yourself
While it's tempting to try to cheer up your friend or loved one by sharing stories of others who have succeeded in having a child after miscarriage, it's better not to do this. It may only make her partner and her feel even less competent in comparison and all the more frustrated.
Respect her autonomy
Ask if she"d prefer you to continue the conversation by asking questions in the future, such as "How are things coming along?" or if she"d rather be the one to initiate updates. Then stick with it.
Finally, bear in mind throughout that as a loss, miscarriage must be mourned and this process varies from day to day. If your friend was open to talking one day, she might not be open to it the next. Take her lead about whether to talk or not while continuing, for as long as necessary, to indicate that you care and are available to listen whenever she needs that.
This article originally appeared on http://mariashriver.com/.
The End of Miracles experiences a false pregnancy after the sorrow of years of infertility and a late-term miscarriage.
With such intense and difficult feelings involved, what can be said and done to support friends or loved ones who have miscarried? Here are 6 pointers.
Acknowledge the loss
The simple act of acknowledging that miscarriage is indeed a painful loss can be tremendously supportive. Often, less is more. Simply saying: "I"ve heard, and I"m sorry for your loss' shows you understand that the person is grieving and are willing to engage with her on that level.
Show compassion and support
It's not as important to find the "right thing to say" - and there isn"t necessarily one right thing - as it is to convey compassion and support. This can be done by giving your friend a hug, for example. Leave space for her to respond.
Listen
Asking, "Would you like to talk about it?" demonstrates that you"re willing to listen- and this fact is in itself a source of support. However, it's not helpful to pressure your friend to talk. Instead, if she doesn"t say much in response, you can indicate understanding by saying, "I"m always ready to listen whenever you"d like to talk about it."
Let her lead the conversation
If your friend has indicated she's open to talking, this is not a carte blanche to dive with comments you assume might be helpful. Rather, let her steer the conversation where she needs it to go. Then, often, a simple acknowledgment of the feelings she's expressing, such as: "I can understand why you feel so devastated" is best. Feeling heard and understood is priceless.
Keep the success stories to yourself
While it's tempting to try to cheer up your friend or loved one by sharing stories of others who have succeeded in having a child after miscarriage, it's better not to do this. It may only make her partner and her feel even less competent in comparison and all the more frustrated.
Respect her autonomy
Ask if she"d prefer you to continue the conversation by asking questions in the future, such as "How are things coming along?" or if she"d rather be the one to initiate updates. Then stick with it.
Finally, bear in mind throughout that as a loss, miscarriage must be mourned and this process varies from day to day. If your friend was open to talking one day, she might not be open to it the next. Take her lead about whether to talk or not while continuing, for as long as necessary, to indicate that you care and are available to listen whenever she needs that.
This article originally appeared on http://mariashriver.com/.